Amreeka

I have recently returned home for a visit to the US after 16 months abroad. I am currently, as indicated by my writing at 3am, still caught in Cairo time but greatly enjoying my first 24 hours back in the land of the free.

My first 24 hours could partially be characterized as an ardent embrace and reorientation into American consumerism. Within an hour I was eating at the best Mexican restaurant in town, appreciating the glory of endless refills of water, sweet tea, and soft drinks (not to mention some to die for food). That's right, I will never take free unlimited water at restaurants, complete with a slice of lemon, for granted again. That joy is not even to be found in Europe. I drove my car for the first time- as enjoyable as finding a newborn freedom - stretching my legs on the wide open Texas highway with the stereo-system thumping like I was in a concert. Get your bling and your party on b@tc#e$. All the cars seemed huge, new, and spotless. The West Texas air was pure and cold. I spend over an hour mindlessly wandering the aisles of the local HEB- looking at the size and quantity of food and other commodities- the width of the aisles- the cleanliness of the floors- the functionality of the enormous grocery baskets- the observance of line etiquette- people laughing and running around in Santa hats and elf ears. It made me happy- it felt like home- it felt like I was in a foreign country- it felt like I was at Disneyland- it felt perfectly natural- I felt guilty- I felt deserving- I was confused- I was anxious to remember how to act in all this- to not give away that I was undergoing a re-enculturation into my own land. I felt all of this in one moment...the pure joy of absolutely loving all these things about America and the guilt of remembering those less fortunate...the majority. I thought of everything that occurs outside these arbitrarily marked lines of sovereignty so that such goods and services are available in my local HEB...

Most people might tell me to lighten up over Christmas. Don't get me wrong- I am ecstatic to be home. Seeing my family again is exponentially the best part. But it is interesting to think about how I feel. I have been gone before- 3 months, 9 months, etc- and returned with similar sensations...but I have never been gone this long.

As an American it is easy to travel anywhere. We think of the world as an increasingly closer place. Distances grow shorter for us as travel becomes easier and planes get faster. But we do not consider that they grow longer and harder for others- even fellow Americans. I hadn't quite forgotten how flying back into America seems comparable to trying to breach a fortress. Even I, the typical anglo-american girl, felt a bit of apprehension going back through all the various security obstacles that started as far bak as Cairo...there was the slightest hint of wonder if I would get hung up or let back into this mystical land of the free. No, we cannot give you your boarding passes all the way through, they said in Cairo. You have to get them at the desk in Frankfurt. In Germany I was questioned for 10 minutes before I was let to the desk to get my remaining two boarding passes. Then I went through the usual security again at the gate- standing in line for a hour just to be able to be allowed on the plane. Intimate but professional moment and pat down with a German woman. No, even the liquids you bought at duty free need to be put in the plastic bags. In flight announcement "On any flights to the US you may only use the lavatory next to you." Thank you underwear bomber. I want to punch you in the face. Arrival in Dallas: stand in line (if foreign go through photo and finger-printing) for an hour to get through immigration, get your bags, stand in line for an hour through customs, recheck the bags, go out of the international terminal and re-enter the airport and go through American airport security all over again. Then you can get on your domestic flight- welcome to America. You made it.

Now, I am not hating on security per say. But I went through all of this- me, your non-suspicious looking white girl. What is it like for others? Let me be typical and say- what is it like for Arab Americans every time they want to re-enter the country? Distances become longer through time. I can fly to anywhere in the world, relatively speaking, and be let in without note or hassle- just some cash for a visa. The world is my tourist playground...I have the right passport and currency. I can go to the French countryside and drink my heart's content of wine or wander the slums of Mumbai getting my fix of noting just how damn poor the rest of the world is. But, the catch is, I can always leave. This is not my world- it can be just an impersonal curiosity if I choose. Then the guilt sets in.

Many Americans are quite content with their lives and sight-seeing within the country. Why go somewhere else and look at it if this is the best country in the world? There's TV and such- we can see all we want through that. Then there's much of the rest of the world- who would rather be anywhere but where they are...but still attached to home and a familiar life. Just observations really...now if I could just go to sleep...